freedom vs discipline [06/26/2006 23:09:55]
no new projects
A week ago, I set a bizarre goal: make it through the week without launching a new project. I can pick up old projects that I've already started, but I can't start something new.
It's amazing how much more productive I've been. I wrote a little currency trading simulator that actually makes money (using it for real trading would be a new project, so I'll have to wait a while). I made it through one milestone of the MySQL upgrade process, bringing my customers up to version 4.0... I went through my old sites and added google adsense to all the pages. Today I set up a test of FastCGI on one of the servers.
I've been telling myself to do one project at a time for ages now. But somehow it never quite worked until I said don't start any new projects. It's just a change of wording, but it made a huge difference. Weird.
ten years on the shelf
Meanwhile, I'm reading Marvin Minksy's Society of Mind . It's an oversized book. Only 300 pages, but it's the size of a big cereal box. Each chapter is one page, and it builds up a theory of how the mind works. Minsky's a big name in the artificial intelligence world.
I've had that book for over a decade. I remember picking it up when I visited Chicago the summer after I graduated high school, and reading maybe the first ten pages or something. It's been sitting on my shelf ever since. The only reason I hadn't read it was that I kept buying new books and reading those.
breaking the scale
Meanwhile, I've packed on a lot of weight. Last October, I was down to 235 lbs, with every expectation of reaching 220 by the end of the year. I never made it. Instead, my weight shot upwards, and I'm back over 270. I feel completely ridiculous at this weight. It's not like I don't know how to take care of myself. I think it's mostly that I've fallen into the habit of eating as an escape from my problems - especially when I feel overwhelmed. It is odd that when I visit my girlfriend in Florida, I make much healthier decisions. I started gaining weight right after I broke up with my last serious girlfriend, and before her I always lived with my family or had tons of friends around (in college). Maybe it's how I deal with being alone?
In any case, I've also found myself snacking on candy and other high-calorie foods when I know that what I really want to do is get in shape. The problem is of course that I'm taking in lots of calories when I haven't burned off the old calories.
core conflict
I was thinking about this the other night, and realized all of these problems are fundamentally the same. In each case there's a struggle between wanting something new and exciting (an interesting idea, a new book, some tasty junk food) vs wanting to stick to a more disciplined path (one project at a time, one book at a time, sticking to a healthy eating and exercise plan).
If you know me, it's pretty easy to see I'm a guy that likes to do my own thing. Freedom is pretty high on my list of values. Probably number one. The desires to eat whatever I want, read whatever I want, or do whatever I want are all about enjoying my freedom, and I don't like having those things taken away from me. But when I asked myself why I wanted that kind of discipline, I realized it was also very much about freedom. Being healthy and full of energy is certainly a type of freedom. To me, piles of unfinished books and piles of unfinished projects are both anti-freedom. They seem like obligations I have to fulfill.
I don't know what the answer is here, but I seem to be a lot more productive and healthy when I follow a disciplined approach, and say no to certain things that would lead me astray even when there's plenty of reason to say yes.